Late last year, the Academy of Executive Coaching interviewed me for its monthly coaching newsletter. The questions were about my coaching methodology, the situations I coach, and my experiences taking their Practitioner Diploma in Executive Coaching.
One of the questions was, “What has been the lasting impact of the Diploma on you as a person and you as a coach?” The answer from a coach's point of view was easy—it became the foundation of all my coaching practice. The answer from a personal point of view was more tricky to determine.
On reflection, two areas sprung to mind. The fundamental building blocks of a coaching approach - questioning and listening and how I use them in my conversations.
Concerning questioning it has made me stop and think more before I ask a question in my everyday conversations. Why am I asking this? Is it for my benefit or my curiosity, or is it a question that will help the other person? A recent conversation with a friend struggling with some family issues came to mind. Something she said didn’t make sense regarding what I already knew about the situation. I could have asked a question to satisfy my curiosity, but it was a details-focused question that didn’t matter - all she needed right now was someone to listen and help her move forward.
Thoughtful questions are open questions that help the other person better understand the topic. They draw information out of people that is helpful to the objective of the discussion. You can use questions to hear where the other person is coming from, find out about their ideas, and ensure you can come to a mutual understanding.
Concerning listening, I have learnt the difference between “mainly” listening and really listening. The latter involves not formulating a response in your head as the other person is speaking, putting aside any judgements or assumptions, and focusing not just on the words they are saying but also on how they are said and the accompanying body language. This helps go beneath the words to the sentiment behind them.
Of course not every conversation needs to be a better conversation, but a seemingly casual chat or gossip can turn into something else if a person feels comfortable enough to speak freely, so it’s always best to be prepared.
As I’ve been reflecting on this, here are five ideas to help have better conversations:
People have their reasons for speaking. They may want a solution from you; they may not. If you need clarification, ask them. A simple “How can I help here?” or “What do you want from me?” in a caring tone can help.
There is a sense in some conversations that we need to take copious notes in case we forget about something. Whereas there are situations where you sometimes do need to take a few notes, try and keep them to a minimum. It is hard to both write and fully listen at the same time.
Go into a conversation with a minimal agenda. If you focus solely on what you want to get out of it, you will find that you stop listening and just focus on getting your points across. Similarly, if you go in with an assumption about how the other person is going to behave, you will ask biased questions that try to confirm that assumption.
Contrary to the tips above, don’t limit your role in a better conversation to just listening and asking good questions. Research shows that we come across as more interesting and likeable if we speak more in conversations (though not too much!)—possibly because otherwise, the conversation can seem too much like hard work, or we don’t give enough of ourselves away to build a connection.
It goes without saying, but eliminate any distractions. That means phones should be away in a pocket or bag, and not just on silent. Visible phones can distract people as they wonder if it will ring or vibrate. Other distractions can be noise or an urgent “to do” in your head. Ask if they can give you one minute to write it down or deal with it so you don’t forget it. They will appreciate that it lets you focus entirely on the rest of the conversation.
Whether you’re a professional coach or not, levelling up your coaching skills can allow you to have more productive, thoughtful and better conversations both in and outside the workplace. This can mean more engaged and skilled employees and more fulfilling relationships in and out of the office, helping you to drive your career forward.
If you want to hear more about improving your or your team’s coaching skills, get in touch to have a further conversation. I’d love to hear from you.