I’ve had a couple of coaching conversations in the last month where the issue of setting and maintaining boundaries has come up. Establishing and then maintaining boundaries is essential as it helps others to understand how we want to work and be with people and how we want others to treat us. “Boundaries” can include physical boundaries (invasions of personal space), mental (being overloaded with work), emotional (intrusive questions about our personal lives), or to do with values and beliefs (feeling pressured to drink at work due to religious reasons).
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When our boundaries are “leaky” or are ignored, we can feel guilty for putting others' needs before our own, lose our confidence and feel that we are being taken advantage of. Ultimately, this may lead to feelings of resentment and anxiety and, in turn, to depression and burnout. For organisations, healthy boundaries lead to a more engaged workforce, higher retention and lower levels of absence due to stress and anxiety.
There are three stages to having healthy boundaries at work (or anywhere else, for that matter)
Setting boundaries
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Firstly you need to recognise the need to have boundaries. For some people, even the act of setting a boundary can feel selfish, or it may bring back negative experiences of setting boundaries in the past. Permit yourself to take control of your work life. If this still feels uncomfortable, think about how you will be setting a good example to others who struggle with this.
You then need to determine what healthy boundaries are for you. For this, you need quite a hefty dose of self-awareness. Take time to reflect on each day's events and pay special attention to feelings of discomfort, resentment, or guilt related to a particular person or work situation. These feelings suggest that a boundary has been violated. By spending time sitting with the discomfort and working out what is going on, you can begin to put your finger on just what it is that is causing those feelings. Maybe you felt you needed to work late because you were given an unexpected deadline? You felt resentment because it violated one of your intentions of not working late on Wednesdays so you could get to your gym class. Maybe instead, you felt resentment because it was something that has happened repeatedly - the boundary then may relate to how frequently you preserve your need to leave on time on Wednesday.
Your perfect situation may not be achievable, but you must determine “enough” of a boundary you feel comfortable with. The best boundaries are firm but slightly flexible - think about what are the “red lines” for you. Having rigid boundaries can lead to problems such as being distant from or co-dependent on others, separation anxiety and passive-aggressive behaviour.
Communicating boundaries
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Communicate your boundaries clearly, consistently and concisely and without emotion. Don’t assume that other people know what’s reasonable and what’s not. You will need to speak in an open direct, assertive (not aggressive!) style.
If you’re a team leader, you can foster an environment where people feel comfortable sharing their boundaries. Hold back from making assumptions about what others’ boundaries are - the parent with young children may not feel they need to leave on time each day.
Boundaries at work need to be set within the organisational environment. You don’t need to justify the boundary when communicating, but your employer will expect certain performance levels and a degree of flexibility. You will need to negotiate if the boundary is too rigid or doesn’t align with those expectations.
Maintaining boundaries
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Boundaries are personal to you - so when they’re set and agreed upon, don’t apologise for them.
Monitor and reevaluate the boundaries regularly. If you find that they are consistently breached or not working for you, you have two choices. If the breach isn’t causing particular resentment or other negative feelings on your part, then amend it and recommunicate. If it is causing an issue, explain the consequences to the perpetrator - both for you personally and for the work, team or organisation. Then stick to your boundaries. For example, if one boundary is not reading emails after 8 pm, ignore any that come in after that.
It’s often said that “no” is a complete sentence. Use it! If you are intentional with your “no”, then your “yes” means much more. If you say “no”, offer alternative solutions and options.
Do ask for help if it's repeatedly happening. Your HR team or line manager should be able to give you support
In my experience, each of these three areas of setting, communicating and maintaining boundaries can be tricky to navigate and get right. If you want to talk further about how you can set boundaries at work, then get in touch to hear how I can help through coaching.